ODAT-One Day at a Time

My husband and I, in 1994, had just gotten married and we bought our home (at left, before and after pics) which was a fixer-upper on 5 acres.  We both wanted to get off-the-grid as much as possible without actually disconnecting our power pole.  We had dreams of chickens, goats, pigs, cows in the field, canning vegetables from our garden, cooking with herbs from our greenhouse, being good stewards of the earth's resources and getting back to the basics.  We were going to create a home that reflected our values.  We read lots of books, subscribed to Mother Earth News and Countryside, bought hand tools, took anything that anyone wanted to give us for future use, and drew upon the things that our grandparents had taught us.  We were both fired up, in love, and needing a new start.  The momentum and desire kept us going for a few years.  We had an awesome garden, we learned ALOT thru trial and error thereby realizing that chickens were easy, pigs were not.  We learned goats can really jump high, had to replace a neighbor's new landscaping because of our MIA sow, made the mistake of making pets out of 10 piglets, made it through a hurricane and the 7 days without electiricty that followed in the heat of  September, tried our hand at butchering, and felt we had become seasoned pioneers.  Then life got complicated, we got older and complacent, the momentum was replaced by the daily routines and here we are, 15 years later.

We haven't lost our dream but we are having to adjust it to our reality.  Balance is  not something that I do well.  My nature is an "all-or-nothing" approach.  As a kid, if I couldn't do it perfectly, well, then why try at all?  I know I am not alone in this thinking.  As an adult, I have tried to learn patience, acceptance, and having realistic, simple expectations of myself and others.  Alanon has taught me to be grateful for the simple things, to work on myself one step at a time, to start my day with a quiet prayer, and to take it easy.  Hurry Up and Finish isn't an Alanon slogan.  Everything about the program resonates to me that my HP wants my life to be lived calmly and serenely.  Just look at our slogans...EASY does it, LET GO and let God, ONE DAY at a time, LIVE and let live, FIRST things first, When in doubt, DON'T.  I see a theme here.

I have been extremely hard on myself lately for alot of reasons.  I missed one of my home groups last week and I know better.  I went last night and heard and saw what I needed to.  This program works even when I don't see it or feel it, as long as I am DOING it.  I need to tattoo that in my brain.  I saw such tremendous growth in some people in my group, I love these people and their eyes were sparkling last night and their voices were strong.  These people's home lives haven't changed, often the situation can degrade, but they were better.  The miracles happen and I just love these people.   If I can see the program at work in them then I know the program is working in me, as long as I work it.  Change and growth for me have always been preceeded by a period of uncomfortable-ness.  That is where I am today and it is okay.

Back to my point about our pioneering dreams.  My husband and I are looking at our old dreams and dusting off those that we still feel are important, those that are the at the core of who we are, what we love, and how we envision our near future.  I think we will be gathering up those old magazine issues that we kept and finding our homesteading books that are on a bookshelf....somewhere.  The chicken coop needs to be painted and the hardware replaced.  The tiller needs to be brought out and repaired for spring tilling.  I will see if I can get some older packets of herb seeds to root.  One small step at a time.

The pioneers used this time of the year to rest, replenish and repair.  They would take stock of what they had to determine what they needed so their resources were not wasted.  They did not stop working when the weather turned cold.  They kept busy because their needs for food, shelter and basic living necessities demanded it.  There are some powerful lessons to be learned from them.  We have so much time now that is free to do with as we will because of the inventions, machines, and technologies that have replaced human labor.  Time to do what??  Work to buy more machines, gadgets, cars, toys, entertainment, and stuff to fill the time?  Work to afford vacations that are so important because of the time spent working away from our families?  The circular reasoning makes my head hurt.

I like simplicity.  I like the word.  I like how it sounds and feels.  I want simplicity in my life..in all of it.  I want to be able to stop and breathe and look around and ponder questions that I use to as a child.  I want to enjoy today and all it holds, just for today.  I want to see, feel, touch, smell, hear, and taste what is provided for me today.  My brain is my problem.  It is like a spoiled child who needs lots and lots of structure, training, boundaries and simple instructions.  This is where Alanon comes in.  I cannot rely on my brain and its perceptions.  I have to hold up what I perceive and question it.  My brain wants to complicate everything when my spirit knows that nothing is complicated.  Talk about a quandry..no wonder I feel nuts sometimes.   I can't sit on the fence and be serene so I have learned to trust my spirit, that inner voice.  I have learned to look for the signposts that my HP puts in my path in the form of people and situations.  I listen with my heart and try not to filter everthing thru the crazy committee in my head.  It is all a simple process that begins with gratitude and willingness...or even just a desire to quit doing the same thing expecting different results.

I'm off to feed 3 biddies that we rescued, pet the dog, take stock of what we have so I can determine what we need and thoroughly enjoy today because my oldest son is coming  home for Christmas.

Namaste

Posted in: easy does it, homesteading, pioneers, serenity, simplicity, slogans on December 11, 2009 at at 11:31 AM 0 comments Links to this post    

When I first came into Alanon and then in later years, I described myself as the wife of/daughter of/ mother of  an alcoholic or addict.  My growth in the program, lots and lots of babysteps, has helped me to have a healthier view of who I am.  While I am still the "ex-wife of/daughter of/mother of", I am so much more that that.  Working the steps has helped me to take the "Hello!  I'm a Victim" name-tag off and reintroduced me to myself.  The drama, pain, uncertainty, denial, and hopelessness that I juggled for most of my life gave me tunnel vision when it came to looking at who I really was.  I could tell you that I knew I was musical but not an artist.  I could tell you that I loved cooking but hated housework.  I could tell you that family was important while putting miles and miles between me and mine.  I was a hodgepodge of emotions, desires, unrealized goals and self-defeating actions.  You can see why the structure of Alanon is so necessary for me now.

I work the steps every day in some way, I have a Higher Power now that I have a relationship with, I have a few trusted people in the program that I can be honest with, I am active in service wherever possible, I blog to get the crapola out of my head so I can see it and not just feel it, I start my days with a gratitude list, I listen to what the universe is telling me now.  These tools and habits DID NOT happen overnite or magically.  I had to stumble, fall, trip, and get up and try again and again.  My will, my ego, does NOT like to let go without a fight.  I am a slow learner at times.  I am a work in progress.  But I keep at it.  I keep getting up and trying what I know works for me or others.  I don't quit or give up on myself anymore.  This is a process that is built on one step, one slogan, one phone call, one meeting, one day at a time (pun intended).  There is always a different way to see things.  There is always something to make us laugh at ourselves if we just take a breath and STOP for one minute.  There is always hope.....always...always.

We are not a glum bunch, either.  I have experienced the effects of the disease in all forms.  Death, sickness, divorce, abuse, loss of relationships, loss of finances, loss of myself.  What my tunnel vision didn't show me is that everyone experiences these things in different ways for different reasons.  My experience can help someone outside the rooms.  I can listen, smile, share, offer my hand, offer some hope, offer a shoulder to cry on, or just give a damn about someone else for a few moments.  My tunnel vision kept me so isolated I really thought no one cared or understood and that I was not worth it anyway.  I was so wrong.

My life is an unfinished book now.  My life now has substance, color, depth, texture and light.  I don't see myself nor do I identify myself as the "ex-wife of/daughter of/mother of" anymore.  I am a wonderfully quirkly, stubborn, delightful, complicated, loving, intense, loyal, fun, and geeky woman who loves the people in her family, some who have various addiction problems.   They don't define me anymore, I (with lots of prayer and willingness) define me.  Or to be more exact, I try to see myself and others with my heart (my unlimited spirit) and not my head (my limited vision).  This too is baby steps as you can tell if you have read my blog for awhile!

I have had a few tough weeks of late and my sponsor assumed it was because of my son and his problems.  When I realized that was not even on my mind, I knew I had detached and was dealing with my own stuff, which is what I can change.  That doesn't mean I won't think about him today.  It doesn't mean I won't worry or pray or even cry for  him today.  It just means that I can feel the effects and then put them aside for God to handle. I can pick them back up anytime I want.  I'm glad I don't want to pick them up as much anymore.

Namaste

Posted in: acceptance, baby steps, babysteps, hope, self esteem, service work, vision, willingness on December 10, 2009 at at 2:04 PM 1 comments Links to this post    

Accountability is important for me as it provides structure, feedback, and an honest gauge on how well my actions are lining up with my words and intentions.  This blog is an accountability tool for me as long as I am honest.  With that in mind, I did get out to Walmart to pick up  my pictures, ran to the dump to deposit garbage and recycles, went to the bank to deposit travel money for my son, and dropped hubby off to renew his driver's license.  I also got my xmas present early, a bonafide Kitchenaide-wannabe mixer stand that I have been contemplating for six months.  I think hubby was so glad I had gotten off my arse and rejoined the world he would have spent the extra $120 for the actual Kincheaide model but I am too frugal to even ask.  Mine does the same thing and my son needed the other money to get here for the holidays.  It is a win-win-win situation for us all.  I also splurged on real butter, real cream and real molasses for a cookie baking session I have forced asked my son to help me with.  I am faking it till I make it and having a new cooking gadget already has me looking forward instead of inwards and backwards. 

Doing the next right thing...and the next...and the next..until this mood passes...and it will pass.

Namaste

Posted in: on December 9, 2009 at at 4:39 PM 2 comments Links to this post    

I have been hibernating for the past few weeks.  Hibernation is not a good thing for someone who battles depression.  I know this.  Knowledge of something (what's in  my head) doesn't always mean I have the answers or motivation I need to move forward in a healthy manner (what's in my heart).  I have been at this crossroad more times than I can remember.  My head knows what to do, my heart would rather do something else, or more often than not, do nothing.  The Alanon Slogan is When in doubt, Don't, not When in doubt, isolate. 

I got a phone call this morning from a concerned friend in the program.  This was the same person that I wrote about yesterday that I had meant to call, eventually.  Funny how my Creator does for me when I don't.  I got to talk a bit about all the random, crappy stuff that has been going on in my head.  I got to listen to some really good experience and hope.  I also got the suble message that life is happening outside my four walls and it would really appreciate my input today!  My brain should come with instructions and a child-proof cap.  It can be a dangerous place to be.

What is the point of this?  Her one phone call helped me to stop the insanity long enough to breathe.  (Here is a good post on why breathing is important.)  It isn't all about me, life is good no matter what my brain says, I am loved, needed, and important no matter what my brain says, I have a purpose today no matter what my brain says, and if I needed to hibernated in order to remember this, than that is perfectly okay, no  matter what my brain says.  She also gently suggested I call my doctor since my new dosage of my medicine might need adjusting.  My  head had thought of this days ago---she helped me get it all the way into my heart (this is where my motivation to take care of myself is).  God bless her.

She might not know how much her phone call has helped me today.  I felt a little bit lighter when we hung up.  It is just like I feel when I leave a meeting.  Thinks aren't as dark and foreboding when there is someone else to share with.  She helped me know that crazy is why we keep going to Alanon.  My head knows this.  She also reminded me that the holidays can push buttons we only see once a year.  Tis the season.

I will call my doctor now (first things first).  I will also hop in a nice hot bath, gather the laundry up, go to the grocery store and pick up my xmas cards (the next right thing).  I love the healing power of one human being's decision to pick up a phone and connect with a hurting heart (the hand of Alanon).  I am going to pick up the phone and try to reach out to another today as well (12th Step).  I am a slow learner but when I get it, I get it (Easy Does It).  Most of the time.

Thank you, friend, for caring and thinking to call me just to see how I was doing. (attitude of gratitude) It made a difference in my life today. (awareness)

Namaste

Posted in: on at at 1:11 PM 2 comments Links to this post    

I have spent some time of late looking at a relationship I have and the underlying feelings that come up.  Thanks to Alanon, I am better able to look at it with a bit of objectivity..just a bit.  I have found an ugly green monster lurking under the bed.  I have tried to ignore and pretend that it wasn't there but it is a big, ugly, attention-seeking creature so I'm going to write about it and maybe that will help me.  The process in my mind resembles a split screen in which I play out what I see as this person's life vs my life.  I freeze-frame certain scenes so I can dwell on the differences and indulge in different scenarious in which I can "show them".  Sick, I know.  My self-indulgent, totally unrealistic, fantasy usually has me winning the lottery ($212 million to be exact, don't ask me why), losing 80 pounds, then showing up in this town to make them all see how wrong they were and then I would ignore them and spend alot of time and effort making them feel like I feel now.  That is my pay-back fanstasy and feeds the green monster like a truck-full of twinkies.  My first reaction to all of this thinking is to tell myself it is crazy, it isn't me, and therefore it doesn't exist.  Denial is NOT a tool of Alanon...ugh

I wish down to the depths of my soul that I had made different choices so that my life would be more like this person's and less like mine is now.  Most of this involves the outer picture.  I look at their outer world and make a judgment on my inner world.  And I lose...always.  No wonder it makes me feel like crap..duh...

I don't have my daily reader's handy but a search in the index of How Alanon Works shows me that while "jealousy" isn't there, a wholllle lot of other words are that fit how I feel.  Anger. Resentment. Denial. Blame. Fantasy/Illusion.  ad infinitum.  So maybe jealousy is just a catch-all term.  Let me see if I can put this into one sentence that makes sense.

I am angry, resentful, judgmental and belligerent to/about this person because I failed to do what they did in order to achieve the results that they have which has led me to a state of denial/illusions where I get even instead of reality where i get better.

I think that sums it up.  I can even go on.  In my sick brain, the old thinking is that if I let go, am nice and pleasant and loving then that means I am less than, accepting myself as a failure, and this person wins.  Don't ask me what they win...they just win.  (If you go to Alanon, you understand this)  I don't need booze to screw up--my  brain is perfectly able to do it sober.

I'm going to stop here.  This is awareness.  This is putting pen to paper and getting it out of my head.  I can see the the character defect of thinking that is if I have what someone else has then I'll be happy/good/accepted/okay is where I need to start.  I will make a phone call so I can talk about this to someone who has the e,s, and h that I respect and want.  I really don't want to feel like this anymore.  It is not me.  It takes too much effort and does nothing good for me.  I know, in  my heart, that I am a loved creation that is blessed with many gifts.  It's a long 12 inches, though, between heart and head, ykwim?

Namaste

Posted in: on December 8, 2009 at at 11:43 AM 2 comments Links to this post